If you can face what you're afraid of
You can find what you need
Cause in the middle of order and chaos
Lies your destiny
KH
Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Become a Stoic
A true Stoic begins with Amour fati - Love everything that happens.
Accept rather than fight every little thing that happens. You don’t decide everything that happens to you, in fact, you control very little. Imagine that everything that happens happens specifically for you.
Wish for situations to happen as they do and your life will go smoothly. This mind set is of great help in the unpredictable modern world because it helps to stay calm in difficult situations, direct our thoughts, and choose the best (re)actions. It offers many useful strategies.
“We can either get bitter or better”
1. Use logic and reason. (First step is to calm the fight or flight mechanism)
- STOP (stop – take 3 deep breaths – observe the behavior – proceed with kindness)
- Count to 10 backwards (Deep breaths)
These techniques allow us to calm the amygdala (danger alert) so that the perceived information can be fully processed by the neo cortex (logic and reason).
What separate human beings from animals are our mental and social abilities (a mature frontal lobe). We have potential to apply reason to all our actions. We are able to think about our preferred action before we act. Awareness allows us to live in agreement with our nature by applying reason to our actions.
2. Live by virtue – Virtue is the highest of all goods. No matter what happens to us, we can always try to apply reason and choose to live in accord with virtue. Awareness provides us the opportunity to always try to do the right thing, it’s all that we control.
3. Acceptance - Focus on what you can control, accept what you can’t. All we control is our mind and the actions we choose to take. We can try our best, and accept all that happens because we don’t control it. If we get disturbed by what we don’t control, we become helpless victims. Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change. Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.
"Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy." - Marcus Aurelius,
5. Take action - The truly Awoke person actually lives by the ideas; he is a warrior of the mind. Today, many people learn and acquire knowledge only to store it in their mind. They forget the most important part: to live and practice the ideas.
6. Practice misfortune - This is a gem. Imagine potentially “bad” scenarios in advance and they won’t catch you by surprise, and you’ll be able to face them calmly and act according to virtue. Visualize “bad” before, and you’ll be able to take it much more calmly.
7. Stockdale paradox - You only control your actions but not the outcome. You can give your best but maybe it won’t bring the results you wanted. Choose to do your very best to succeed and simultaneously know and accept that the ultimate outcome is beyond your direct control.
“You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be” - James Stockdale
8. Obstacles equal opportunities - How you perceive things is highly important. Everything that happens can be looked at as an opportunity. Even if it doesn’t go as you wish, you can always see “it” as a chance to practice virtue.
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein
The Obstacle is the Way – “The impediment to action advances action; what stands in the way becomes the way” – Marcus Aurelius
9. Mindful - You must bring your full awareness in your actions. Otherwise you act out of emotions instead of your rational decisions. Observe yourself and go through your daily actions before you go to bed so that you will make better decisions the next day.
When one becomes aware, you can often get misperceived being unemotional because you try not to act out of your emotions and you want to be indifferent to things you don’t control. This is a classic misconception. You feel emotions just like everybody else, but you are not enslaved by them. You don’t get overwhelmed by emotions and you act in a rational manner despite your emotions.
It’s not about not having emotions, it’s about the domestication of one’s emotions.
By using the methods listed above we do our best to direct every action for the common welfare of everyone.
Ultimate beauty lies in your character. It’s what you do and who you are that matter most.
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are”
- John Wooden
Accept rather than fight every little thing that happens. You don’t decide everything that happens to you, in fact, you control very little. Imagine that everything that happens happens specifically for you.
Wish for situations to happen as they do and your life will go smoothly. This mind set is of great help in the unpredictable modern world because it helps to stay calm in difficult situations, direct our thoughts, and choose the best (re)actions. It offers many useful strategies.
“We can either get bitter or better”
1. Use logic and reason. (First step is to calm the fight or flight mechanism)
- STOP (stop – take 3 deep breaths – observe the behavior – proceed with kindness)
- Count to 10 backwards (Deep breaths)
These techniques allow us to calm the amygdala (danger alert) so that the perceived information can be fully processed by the neo cortex (logic and reason).
What separate human beings from animals are our mental and social abilities (a mature frontal lobe). We have potential to apply reason to all our actions. We are able to think about our preferred action before we act. Awareness allows us to live in agreement with our nature by applying reason to our actions.
2. Live by virtue – Virtue is the highest of all goods. No matter what happens to us, we can always try to apply reason and choose to live in accord with virtue. Awareness provides us the opportunity to always try to do the right thing, it’s all that we control.
3. Acceptance - Focus on what you can control, accept what you can’t. All we control is our mind and the actions we choose to take. We can try our best, and accept all that happens because we don’t control it. If we get disturbed by what we don’t control, we become helpless victims. Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change. Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.
"Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy." - Marcus Aurelius,
5. Take action - The truly Awoke person actually lives by the ideas; he is a warrior of the mind. Today, many people learn and acquire knowledge only to store it in their mind. They forget the most important part: to live and practice the ideas.
6. Practice misfortune - This is a gem. Imagine potentially “bad” scenarios in advance and they won’t catch you by surprise, and you’ll be able to face them calmly and act according to virtue. Visualize “bad” before, and you’ll be able to take it much more calmly.
7. Stockdale paradox - You only control your actions but not the outcome. You can give your best but maybe it won’t bring the results you wanted. Choose to do your very best to succeed and simultaneously know and accept that the ultimate outcome is beyond your direct control.
“You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be” - James Stockdale
8. Obstacles equal opportunities - How you perceive things is highly important. Everything that happens can be looked at as an opportunity. Even if it doesn’t go as you wish, you can always see “it” as a chance to practice virtue.
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein
The Obstacle is the Way – “The impediment to action advances action; what stands in the way becomes the way” – Marcus Aurelius
9. Mindful - You must bring your full awareness in your actions. Otherwise you act out of emotions instead of your rational decisions. Observe yourself and go through your daily actions before you go to bed so that you will make better decisions the next day.
When one becomes aware, you can often get misperceived being unemotional because you try not to act out of your emotions and you want to be indifferent to things you don’t control. This is a classic misconception. You feel emotions just like everybody else, but you are not enslaved by them. You don’t get overwhelmed by emotions and you act in a rational manner despite your emotions.
It’s not about not having emotions, it’s about the domestication of one’s emotions.
By using the methods listed above we do our best to direct every action for the common welfare of everyone.
Ultimate beauty lies in your character. It’s what you do and who you are that matter most.
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are”
- John Wooden
Monday, January 13, 2020
H.O.P.E.
Recently a client asked me what I thought about using the mantra H.O.P.E. for the new year.
Having Only Positive Expectations
HOPE is a positive acronym about creating an attitude that is less negative (perhaps). Most times our intentions are good (Having HOPE); however, we all know about good intentions. I do have some concerns that requires us to ask a couple questions before we embark on this new mantra;
- What happens when “positive expectations” are not positive?
- What happens when “our expectations” do not unfold?
To only have positive expectations would require us to force our emotions to be out of alignment with reality. (Example - I’m going to have positive emotions when people don’t do what they said they are going to do)
I’m forcing myself to think positive about the negative feelings I’m experiencing in this moment. This forced emotional response will only last for so long, then we are right back to the negative feelings we had prior to the decision to have “only positive expectations”.
There is an ancient proverb that says, “The true secret to happiness is to lower our expectations”.
At first glance this may sound negative, but if you think about it, this is probably the best way to safe guard ourselves against having a negative attitude toward people and society in general. If you’re like me, I have very high expectations for myself, which led me to project my expectations onto others. After years of frustration I adopted “lowered expectations” as my mantra. As I’ve done this, a whole new world has opened up for me in the fact that I rarely get angry or disappointed with people.
I either take in, or let go, of whatever life brings to me – I keep my personal expectations high, but I don’t project my expectations on to others.
In my world, if you are a good person and true to your word, I take you in – if you show me otherwise, I let you go. No hard feelings.
There’s a saying “believe people when they show you who they are the first time”. If someone is frustrating us it is primarily because our expectations are irrational. (Example: If someone didn’t show up for our meeting the first or second time - what makes you think the third time will be different? When they show you who they are, believe them. Take them in as a new friend or wish them well.
If people are not living up to our expectation we have three choices:
1. Change them. (you can’t change anyone – only yourself)
2. Accept them. (lower your expectations)
3. Leave them. (try to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life)
In order to have a healthy mind, our emotions should always be congruent with reality. If someone isn’t living up to our expectation, change your expectations – or leave. It’s a lot healthier than expecting them to change.
I have no expectations, other than the self-imposed expectations of being the best that I can truly be. I can only control me.
“Everything is as it should be”
Having Only Positive Expectations
HOPE is a positive acronym about creating an attitude that is less negative (perhaps). Most times our intentions are good (Having HOPE); however, we all know about good intentions. I do have some concerns that requires us to ask a couple questions before we embark on this new mantra;
- What happens when “positive expectations” are not positive?
- What happens when “our expectations” do not unfold?
To only have positive expectations would require us to force our emotions to be out of alignment with reality. (Example - I’m going to have positive emotions when people don’t do what they said they are going to do)
I’m forcing myself to think positive about the negative feelings I’m experiencing in this moment. This forced emotional response will only last for so long, then we are right back to the negative feelings we had prior to the decision to have “only positive expectations”.
There is an ancient proverb that says, “The true secret to happiness is to lower our expectations”.
At first glance this may sound negative, but if you think about it, this is probably the best way to safe guard ourselves against having a negative attitude toward people and society in general. If you’re like me, I have very high expectations for myself, which led me to project my expectations onto others. After years of frustration I adopted “lowered expectations” as my mantra. As I’ve done this, a whole new world has opened up for me in the fact that I rarely get angry or disappointed with people.
I either take in, or let go, of whatever life brings to me – I keep my personal expectations high, but I don’t project my expectations on to others.
In my world, if you are a good person and true to your word, I take you in – if you show me otherwise, I let you go. No hard feelings.
There’s a saying “believe people when they show you who they are the first time”. If someone is frustrating us it is primarily because our expectations are irrational. (Example: If someone didn’t show up for our meeting the first or second time - what makes you think the third time will be different? When they show you who they are, believe them. Take them in as a new friend or wish them well.
If people are not living up to our expectation we have three choices:
1. Change them. (you can’t change anyone – only yourself)
2. Accept them. (lower your expectations)
3. Leave them. (try to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life)
In order to have a healthy mind, our emotions should always be congruent with reality. If someone isn’t living up to our expectation, change your expectations – or leave. It’s a lot healthier than expecting them to change.
I have no expectations, other than the self-imposed expectations of being the best that I can truly be. I can only control me.
“Everything is as it should be”
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Awake - Radical Acceptance
Awake
Start the New Year off with Radical Acceptance.
Radical acceptance is simply acknowledging reality. You are acknowledging what happened or what’s currently happening - because fighting reality only intensifies our emotional reaction.
We might fight reality by judging a situation. An example, we might say “It should or shouldn’t be this way,” “That’s not fair!” or “Why me?!”
Fighting reality only intensifies suffering. Gandhi once said, “Pain is inevitable in life, suffering is optional”. Suffering is a product of refuse to accept the pain in our lives, which creates an "extreme fixation of self".
The following comments are valuable reminders to help us to radically accept our current situation.
Say to yourself:
“Right here is where I’m supposed to be”
“Where I am right now is the result of a million other decisions”
“Thinking of the past just robs me of the present”
“What I do in this moment is all that I have control over”
“Every event of my life has brought me to now”
“The present moment is perfect even if I don’t like it”
Happy New Year!
Start the New Year off with Radical Acceptance.
Radical acceptance is simply acknowledging reality. You are acknowledging what happened or what’s currently happening - because fighting reality only intensifies our emotional reaction.
We might fight reality by judging a situation. An example, we might say “It should or shouldn’t be this way,” “That’s not fair!” or “Why me?!”
Fighting reality only intensifies suffering. Gandhi once said, “Pain is inevitable in life, suffering is optional”. Suffering is a product of refuse to accept the pain in our lives, which creates an "extreme fixation of self".
The following comments are valuable reminders to help us to radically accept our current situation.
Say to yourself:
“Right here is where I’m supposed to be”
“Where I am right now is the result of a million other decisions”
“Thinking of the past just robs me of the present”
“What I do in this moment is all that I have control over”
“Every event of my life has brought me to now”
“The present moment is perfect even if I don’t like it”
Happy New Year!
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