Change

 "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." - Leo Tolstoy

While not everyone aspires to change the world, many of us try to change others. We often attempt to mold our spouses, friends, or family members. Yet, the challenge of changing ourselves remains a complex endeavor.

There are three primary reasons we avoid personal change:

1. Belief: We often lack faith in our ability to change. Repeated failures reinforce this disbelief. It's not a lack of discipline that holds us back, but flawed methods. Take weight loss, for example. We reduce calories or cut out entire food groups, only to revert back after a few weeks. These restrictive diets set us up for failure. The issue lies with the program, not with us. True self-belief is built through perseverance and learning from past failures. Each setback provides valuable insights, transforming losses into growth opportunities.

2. Acknowledgment: Change begins with recognizing there’s a problem. Many people get stuck in denial. Addressing an issue threatens their identity, making acknowledgment difficult. For instance, anxiety can become a defining trait, or humor a shield against inner pain. Admitting there's an issue means taking responsibility, moving from victimhood to ownership. This is a crucial step toward genuine change.

3. Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when our beliefs and actions are inconsistent. It explains why we resist changing our thinking even when faced with new, conflicting information. To ease this discomfort, we might ignore the source or rationalize our behavior instead of adjusting our beliefs. Overcoming cognitive dissonance involves confronting these inconsistencies and adapting our mindset or actions to resolve the conflict.

Change is painful, but so is remaining stagnant.

Tolstoy’s point isn’t that we all aim to change the world, but that we desire the world to change around us. However, the only true change we can effect is within ourselves, and this personal transformation is what ultimately changes the world.

“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi

The Internal Dialogue

 The Internal dialogue

The internal dialogue of guilt and regret can grow like weeds in a well landscaped yard if not managed. This dialogue is largely a product of a repetitive loop of blame and coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s.

The first step to regaining control is to become aware of this repetitive internal dialogue. The second step is to have a preemptive plan ready to address the dialogue when you recognize it. Don't beat yourself up, just Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Non-identify (this is known as the RAIN method). This method allows us to methodically reason our way out of these cognitive distortions.

Remember - Nothing changes if nothing changes. Self-awareness is a crucial step in changing behavior. 

“If you don't like the crop, don't sow the seed”

If you don't like the thoughts, let's investigate the perspective that's created the thoughts. Lets manage the cognitive weeds so we can have a new perspective in 2021!