The Images

Unfortunately we use the images others present on social media as a measuring stick as to how well we are doing in life. Ironically, we do this as we are driving our nice air conditioned car, checking messages on our synced Bluetooth dash monitor. We then pull into the drive of our comfortable home as we simultaneously unlock the front door by pushing a button on our phone.

Distracted, we enter the house and set our keys in a place we'll never remember - on the way to our stocked pantry and overflowing refrigerator. With our arms full with food, we sit down on our 10 piece leather sectional sofa to watch our 65 inch HD flat screen TV. We then shout out to Alexa to find the latest Netflix movie. We love using Alexa because it allows us to keep our hands free so we can check our iPhone to see what others are doing in this very moment.

This perhaps, is why we’re miserable - our lives are consumed by the images others present. We are faced with the fact that our life will never be as sexy and exciting as our “friends” life. And vise versa, their life will never be as sexy and exciting as the one we present. The truth is, life is pretty mundane and our expectations are extremely unrealistic.

Socrates once said, "if you want to become great, become the person you present yourself to be".

The nice thing about becoming the best you can be is that your happiness/contentment is not contingent on what others think. Your happiness is a product of a life well lived.

We all need to wake up - what an incredible opportunity we are missing out on by focusing on the images.

Order and Chaos

 If you can face what you're afraid of 

You can find what you need

Cause in the middle of order and chaos

Lies your destiny 

KH

10 Healthy Habits in Tough Times

1. Don’t give up - you have to fight when you feel defeated.  

-Two choices…we can get bitter or we can get better 

2. You have to practice delay gratification.  

-Lean to develop impulse control – beware the fury of a patience man 

3. You have to make mistakes 

-Failure is a necessary step for growth 

4. You have to keep your emotions in check.  

-Manage your emotions or they will manage you 

5. You have to make the decision you’re afraid to make.  

-Clarify, evaluate, and make the call. Acknowledge the fact that you can’t make everyone happy 

6. You have to trust your gut.  

-Clarifying and evaluating will allow you to trust yourself 

7. You have to lead when no one else follows. 

-Step up and take control with a calm mind  

8. You have to focus on the details even when it makes your mind numb. 

-The devils in the details 

9. You have to be kind to people who are rude to you.  

-The recognition of suffering is the greatest form of compassion. 

-It only affects us if we allow it. Rise above the emotions   

10. You have to be accountable for your actions, no matter what.  

-I’m not a victim – I’m responsible 

-Own it 

Become a Stoic

A true Stoic begins with Amour fati - Love everything that happens.

Accept rather than fight every little thing that happens. You don’t decide everything that happens to you, in fact, you control very little. Imagine that everything that happens happens specifically for you.

Wish for situations to happen as they do and your life will go smoothly. This mind set is of great help in the unpredictable modern world because it helps to stay calm in difficult situations, direct our thoughts, and choose the best (re)actions. It offers many useful strategies.

“We can either get bitter or better”

1. Use logic and reason.  (First step is to calm the fight or flight mechanism)

- STOP (stop – take 3 deep breaths – observe the behavior – proceed with kindness)

- Count to 10 backwards (Deep breaths)

These techniques allow us to calm the amygdala (danger alert) so that the perceived information can be fully processed by the neo cortex (logic and reason).

What separate human beings from animals are our mental and social abilities (a mature frontal lobe). We have potential to apply reason to all our actions. We are able to think about our preferred action before we act. Awareness allows us to live in agreement with our nature by applying reason to our actions.

2. Live by virtue – Virtue is the highest of all goods. No matter what happens to us, we can always try to apply reason and choose to live in accord with virtue.  Awareness provides us the opportunity to always try to do the right thing, it’s all that we control.

3. Acceptance - Focus on what you can control, accept what you can’t. All we control is our mind and the actions we choose to take. We can try our best, and accept all that happens because we don’t control it. If we get disturbed by what we don’t control, we become helpless victims. Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change.  Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.
"Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy." - Marcus Aurelius,

5. Take action - The truly Awoke person actually lives by the ideas; he is a warrior of the mind. Today, many people learn and acquire knowledge only to store it in their mind. They forget the most important part: to live and practice the ideas.

6. Practice misfortune - This is a gem. Imagine potentially “bad” scenarios in advance and they won’t catch you by surprise, and you’ll be able to face them calmly and act according to virtue. Visualize “bad” before, and you’ll be able to take it much more calmly.

7. Stockdale paradox - You only control your actions but not the outcome. You can give your best but maybe it won’t bring the results you wanted. Choose to do your very best to succeed and simultaneously know and accept that the ultimate outcome is beyond your direct control.
“You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be” - James Stockdale

8. Obstacles equal opportunities - How you perceive things is highly important. Everything that happens can be looked at as an opportunity. Even if it doesn’t go as you wish, you can always see “it” as a chance to practice virtue.

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

The Obstacle is the Way – “The impediment to action advances action; what stands in the way becomes the way” – Marcus Aurelius

9. Mindful - You must bring your full awareness in your actions. Otherwise you act out of emotions instead of your rational decisions. Observe yourself and go through your daily actions before you go to bed so that you will make better decisions the next day.

When one becomes aware, you can often get misperceived being unemotional because you try not to act out of your emotions and you want to be indifferent to things you don’t control. This is a classic misconception. You feel emotions just like everybody else, but you are not enslaved by them.  You don’t get overwhelmed by emotions and you act in a rational manner despite your emotions.
It’s not about not having emotions, it’s about the domestication of one’s emotions.

By using the methods listed above we do our best to direct every action for the common welfare of everyone.

Ultimate beauty lies in your character. It’s what you do and who you are that matter most.

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are”
- John Wooden

H.O.P.E.

Recently a client asked me what I thought about using the mantra H.O.P.E. for the new year.

Having Only Positive Expectations

HOPE is a positive acronym about creating an attitude that is less negative (perhaps). Most times our intentions are good (Having HOPE); however, we all know about good intentions. I do have some concerns that requires us to ask a couple questions before we embark on this new mantra;

- What happens when “positive expectations” are not positive?

- What happens when “our expectations” do not unfold?

To only have positive expectations would require us to force our emotions to be out of alignment with reality.  (Example - I’m going to have positive emotions when people don’t do what they said they are going to do)

I’m forcing myself to think positive about the negative feelings I’m experiencing in this moment.  This forced emotional response will only last for so long, then we are right back to the negative feelings we had prior to the decision to have “only positive expectations”.

There is an ancient proverb that says, “The true secret to happiness is to lower our expectations”.

At first glance this may sound negative, but if you think about it, this is probably the best way to safe guard ourselves against having a negative attitude toward people and society in general.  If you’re like me, I have very high expectations for myself, which led me to project my expectations onto others.  After years of frustration I adopted “lowered expectations” as my mantra.  As I’ve done this, a whole new world has opened up for me in the fact that I rarely get angry or disappointed with people.

I either take in, or let go, of whatever life brings to me – I keep my personal expectations high, but I don’t project my expectations on to others.

In my world, if you are a good person and true to your word, I take you in – if you show me otherwise, I let you go. No hard feelings.

There’s a saying “believe people when they show you who they are the first time”. If someone is frustrating us it is primarily because our expectations are irrational. (Example: If someone didn’t show up for our meeting the first or second time - what makes you think the third time will be different? When they show you who they are, believe them. Take them in as a new friend or wish them well.

If people are not living up to our expectation we have three choices:

1. Change them. (you can’t change anyone – only yourself)

2. Accept them. (lower your expectations)

3. Leave them. (try to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life)

In order to have a healthy mind, our emotions should always be congruent with reality.  If someone isn’t living up to our expectation, change your expectations – or leave.  It’s a lot healthier than expecting them to change.

I have no expectations, other than the self-imposed expectations of being the best that I can truly be. I can only control me.

“Everything is as it should be”

Awake - Radical Acceptance

Awake

Start the New Year off with Radical Acceptance.

Radical acceptance is simply acknowledging reality.  You are acknowledging what happened or what’s currently happening - because fighting reality only intensifies our emotional reaction.

We might fight reality by judging a situation. An example, we might say “It should or shouldn’t be this way,” “That’s not fair!” or “Why me?!”

Fighting reality only intensifies suffering. Gandhi once said, “Pain is inevitable in life, suffering is optional”. Suffering is a product of refuse to accept the pain in our lives, which creates an "extreme fixation of self".

The following comments are valuable reminders to help us to radically accept our current situation.

Say to yourself:

“Right here is where I’m supposed to be”

“Where I am right now is the result of a million other decisions”

“Thinking of the past just robs me of the present”

“What I do in this moment is all that I have control over”

“Every event of my life has brought me to now”

“The present moment is perfect even if I don’t like it”

Happy New Year!

I Propose

I propose love is not the answer
It’s not what brings us together in our lives
I believe it’s to the contrary
Perhaps that’s the flawed reasoning in our “why”

The majority of our life we suffer
We fervently strive to avoid all of life’s pain
Ironically
We suffer and suffer more just the same

So what if we embrace suffering?
What if we learned to observe our pain and let go
Perhaps awareness would occur - it’s all ephemeral
Amazing – it’s our thoughts that make it so

The truth – suffering is what brings us together
In our darkest days we find light
It’s where we flourish
It’s where we become stronger in spite

I propose love is not the answer
Love is an emotion that manifest from overcoming pain
It creates empathy – sympathy
It creates a stronger emotion that doesn’t wax or wane

I encourage you to embrace all of life
Cherish all that life brings to you
Suffering is inevitable – a necessity
The answer?

I propose gratitude