The Battle

By Kelly Hitchcock

We carry the past with us

We frantically try to predict the upcoming years

Our minds are vociferously occupied

Filled with delusional neurotic fear

To detach from our emotions

Modern man might think is insane

Because to quiet the monkey mind

For many, would make life mundane

So, we move with no direction or intention

We cry about having no purpose or time 

We say we’ll do it tomorrow

Unaware, the river is running dry

There's an internal battle raging

We’re all troubled with mental pain 

Unaware, the harder we fight

The struggle remains the same

They say the medicine may be bitter

But it cures the disease

You can take this advice

Or continue to do as you please

We must learn to let go of the past

Stop concerning yourself with the upcoming years

Learn to live in the moment

You will conquer most all of your irrational fears

Become aware of your emotions

Mindfulness resolves most of life's pains

Control the controllables

This type of liberation is insane

You begin to live life with intention

You create more quality time

You realize, you can only do what you do

Peace, its your new way of life

The battle has been won

Ironically, the war was all in our mind

Personal awareness

Exposes the true enemy for mankind

So, take a deep breath

Listen to the wind blowing through the trees

Right now, this moment

It's all we have, and all we really need

Live up to It

 Live up to It

What do I really think?

How do I behave?

What image do I present?

If there is an internal battle, many times it is the battle of what I think, how I behave, and the self image I present.

If our thought process is the product of low self esteem, we will either behave passively, or attempt to overcompensate by appearing to be beyond that which we wish to be.

The problem with this dichotomy of thoughts/image is the vociferous internal dialogue that it creates. It’s the proverbial devil and angel sitting atop each shoulder.

The first step out of this sinkhole of self-esteem is to first describe the person you wish to be. The second step is the strength of the “why” that image is important. The third step is to behave in a way that supports the first step.

If what you want is to become smarter, read a chapter every morning on a subject that you want to know more about. If it’s to become healthier, get a meal plan and a workout program from a fitness professional - now “behave” your way to success.

Whatever we do, it’s of utmost importance to live up to the description of the person you want to be.

If it's a worthy goal, live up to it!

Adversity - Why are we so weak?

So, what's going on with kids today?

They're incredibly sensitive/emotional, more kids are living at home without a job, and stress and anxiety are at an all time high.

Parents seem dumbfounded by this question?

To find the answer, perhaps I need to rephrase my question; What is it about the way parents are raising children today that makes them fragile, dependent, and prone to stress and anxiety?

The truth is the lack of adversity our kids experience. We have taken away the main component that builds self-esteem and character in humans.

We see this in many areas of nature: 

• Skeletal structure. No stress, fragile bones. 

• Muscles - the less stress - the greater the atrophy (loss of size and strength)  

• Immune system? The less exposure, the greater the risk of sickness.

So, the less exposure, the less adaptation.

Many philosophers and religious authors have written about the strength gained during stressful times.

Nietzsche said, “that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger”

Meng Tzu, the Chinese philosopher said, “When heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on any man, it will exercise his mind with suffering, subject his sinews and bones to hard work, expose his body to hunger, put him to poverty, place obstacles in the paths of his deeds, so as to stimulate his mind, harden his nature, and improve wherever he is incompetent. ”

Romans 5:3  Paul said, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance"

As a parent and closet neuroscientist, I understand the neurology of taking care of our children at all cost - its innate. However, the cost of alleviating our pain by rescuing them is nothing compared to the pain that will come from the lessons lost by the child.

Pain is a good teacher

There is a saying, “we should prepare our children for the road, not the road for the children.”

There is a strong urge to save our children from the bumps and bruises we experienced on our road in life; however, the strength gained in those bumps and bruises have made us who we are today.

It would serve us all well to adopt the message of Marcus Aurelius', "The obstacle is the way; the impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way, becomes the way."

 Change

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself” - Leo Tolstoy 

We may not all think of changing the world; however, we do think we can change others. It happens all the time; we try to change our wife or husband, or we might try to change a close friend. But changing ourselves is complicated.

I think there are three reasons why we avoid the process of change:

1. Belief - We don't believe we can change. We've tried several times, but just fall right back into the old habits. The sad part is we fail not because we aren't disciplined, but because the methods of change we've tried are flawed. Take weight loss - we lower our calories or eliminate one food group. 6 weeks later we're done. Due to the restrictive nature of diets we can't continue. You're not failing the program, the program is failing you. Strong beliefs (self-confidence) are created by failing and trying again. Building on your experiences so you can use what does not work to be in your favor.  You don't lose, you learn and grow.

 

2. Acknowledge - To change oneself, one must first acknowledge there's a problem. Most people get stuck in the pre-contemplative stage where if the “said” issue is brought up, there will be hell to pay. Acknowledging an issue is hard for some because it's become a part of their identity. To lose your identity is very scary because we like to attach to an image so we can define ourselves. People say my anxiety or play a role as a funny person to avoid people seeing the pain inside. Also, acknowledging requires action. Now that I've acknowledged it, what do I do? By acknowledging we go from victim to taking ownership. Which is the only true path to change.

3. Cognitive dissonance - Cognitive dissonance proposes that people are averse to inconsistencies within their own minds. It offers one explanation for why people sometimes make an effort to adjust their thinking when their own thoughts, words, or behaviors seem to contradict with each other. When one learns new information that challenges a deeply held belief, for example, or acts in a way that seems to undercut a favorable self-image, that person may feel motivated to somehow resolve the negative feeling that results—to restore cognitive consonance. Though a person may not always resolve cognitive dissonance, the response to it may range from ignoring the source of it to changing one’s beliefs or behavior to eliminate the conflict.

                      It has been said that change is painful, but so is staying the same. 

                      Tolstoy's point is not that we want to change the world, but that we want the world to change. I'm proposing that there is only one thing we can change (us), and that one thing is what changes the world.

                      “We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi

The Internal Dialogue

 The Internal dialogue

The internal dialogue of guilt and regret can grow like weeds in a well landscaped yard if not managed. This dialogue is largely a product of a repetitive loop of blame and coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s.

The first step to regaining control is to become aware of this repetitive internal dialogue. The second step is to have a preemptive plan ready to address the dialogue when you recognize it. Don't beat yourself up, just Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Non-identify (this is known as the RAIN method). This method allows us to methodically reason our way out of these cognitive distortions.

Remember - Nothing changes if nothing changes. Self-awareness is a crucial step in changing behavior. 

“If you don't like the crop, don't sow the seed”

If you don't like the thoughts, let's investigate the perspective that's created the thoughts. Lets manage the cognitive weeds so we can have a new perspective in 2021!