What Is My Agenda?

 What Is My Agenda? 

Self-improvement is a lifelong journey that often begins with a single question: What is my agenda? This inquiry is not just about planning daily tasks but delving deeper into understanding our true desires, goals, and the essence of who we are.

Defining My Agenda

What is my agenda? How do I want my life to be? These questions may seem simple, yet they hold the key to profound self-discovery and growth. At its core, my agenda is to be my best self and to serve others. I aim to help anyone in need, embracing the challenges that come my way. The harder the battle, the greater the growth. This may sound selfish, but is it? It is not. It is a path to fulfillment through selflessness.

Serving Others

My agenda includes being there for others—not to dictate their actions but to offer a helping hand or a thoughtful suggestion. It’s about encouraging others to think critically about their choices and possibilities. By supporting others, we also enrich our own lives, creating a cycle of mutual growth and understanding.

Living Fully and Honestly

I strive to live a life without regrets or "shoulda’s." Embracing failures as part of the journey, I focus on gratitude and the lessons each experience brings. However, self-improvement demands honesty, starting with oneself. Am I being honest with myself? Admitting our flaws and vulnerabilities is challenging. For me, it involves confronting personal habits and the discomfort they bring, like the metaphorical mirror that reflects my deepest insecurities. Yet, this honesty is crucial for genuine growth.

Facing Reality

Facing reality means seeking truth and remaining open to changing our perspectives. It involves a commitment to authenticity and a willingness to adapt. By embracing this mindset, I ensure that I am not rigidly fixed in my views but am constantly evolving.

The Essence of My Agenda

Ultimately, my agenda is to be the best version of myself, driven by service and honesty. It is less of an agenda and more of a life plan—a blueprint for continuous self-improvement. This journey is not just about achieving specific goals but about cultivating a mindset of growth, empathy, and resilience.

In reflecting on these questions and defining my agenda, I find clarity and purpose. It is a reminder that self-improvement is an ongoing process, one that requires patience, dedication, and a genuine desire to be better each day.

Behold

What are we looking for?

What do we desire?

Are we seeking the truth

Or an emotional flame to inspire?

The greatest gift is to seek knowledge

Stay curious, no matter the end of the road

Don't cling to affirming your current position—

That's finding comfort with friends who erode

We must learn to release the past

But not cast it all aside

This opens the door for self-correction

Wisdom is letting flawed thoughts subside

We've all held distorted beliefs

Clung to them as if they were true

Remember, when you changed them

It was for the better—it transformed you

So, use your mind

Question what you've been told

Don't just believe—

It's always better to seek and behold

Sublimate

 

Sublimate - To divert or modify an instinctual impulse into a culturally higher or socially more acceptable activity. For example, "Libido must be sublimated into productive work activities."

One's life is directed by one's drives, which are evolutionarily driven by the basic instincts of fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. These drives are rooted in the will to survive. However, the survival drive must be sublimated into more constructive choices. The primal drives that once ensured our ancestors' survival on the savannas could ironically lead to our downfall if not properly channeled.

As Carl Sagan aptly stated, “Extinction is the rule. Survival is the exception.”

Examples of sublimation:

1. Artistic Expression: Someone with aggressive tendencies might channel their aggression into creating intense, powerful artworks or performing vigorous music.

2. Physical Exercise: A person feeling restless or anxious might sublimate these feelings by engaging in sports, running, or working out at the gym.

3. Work and Career: An individual with a strong libido might sublimate their sexual energy into their work, becoming highly productive and achieving significant career success.

4. Academic Pursuits: Someone with a deep curiosity or obsessive tendencies might channel this drive into research, studying, or engaging in intellectual debates, contributing to scientific or academic advancements.

5. Volunteering and Community Service: A person who feels a strong urge to help others might sublimate this instinct by engaging in community service, volunteering, or participating in humanitarian efforts.

6. Creative Writing: An individual with intense emotions or inner turmoil might sublimate these feelings by writing poetry, novels, or plays, transforming their personal experiences into creative works that can resonate with others.

7. Gardening or Crafting: Someone who finds comfort in nurturing might sublimate their nurturing instincts by tending to a garden, crafting, or engaging in other hobbies that require care and attention.

These examples illustrate how instinctual impulses can be transformed into activities that are both culturally valued and personally fulfilling.

Is life better? Or worse?

  “We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are” 

• Anaïs Nin

Is life better? Or worse?

It's hard to imagine life getting much better, and at the same time, it's difficult to envision life getting worse. To those who think life is unbearable, remember that our privileged position often blinds us to the reality of our circumstances. Anaïs Nin once said,  “We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are” - therefore our lives are shaped by our own unique personal experiences. Anything beyond these experiences are colored by an emotional biased perspective.

The emotional pain we endure—anger, stress, anxiety, depression—is relative to the pain we've experienced in our lives. Generally, in modern times, our suffering pales compared to the hardships of earlier eras, except for those who have faced tragic events. For the most part, life today is better than ever. Not only has our quality of life improved, but our access to information has also expanded exponentially with the advent of the internet, which puts knowledge at our fingertips.

Despite this, a paradox emerges: we claim to be more intelligent than past generations, yet we often act in ways that seem increasingly irrational. Who could have predicted that the most rational species on Earth might ultimately drive itself to extinction through its own irrational behavior? This paradox highlights the hubris of human beings. .

In conclusion, while it's challenging to foresee whether life will improve or deteriorate, recognizing our subjective view of reality and the relative improvement in our circumstances can help us appreciate the progress we've made. At the same time, we must remain strong against our tendencies toward irrationality, understanding that our survival depends on our ability to act with wisdom and foresight.

“Our sensorial perception of the world creates a false notion of reality. We are tricked into constructing a worldview and believing it to be the real thing. When it comes to understanding the nature of reality we are all shortsighted." - Plato's Allegory of the Cave

The Battle

                                                                         The Battle

By Kelly Hitchcock

We carry the past with us like an unwanted disease

We neurotically try to predict the upcoming years

Our minds are vociferously occupied

Filled with delusional irrational fear

To detach from our emotions

For modern man a conundrum, insane

Because to quiet the monkey mind

For many, would make life mundane

So, we move forward with no purpose or intention

We cry about never having enough time 

We procrastinate

Unaware, the river is running dry

There's an internal battle raging

We’re all suffering with mental pain 

Unaware, we fight harder

The struggle remains the same

You've heard it said the medicine may be bitter

But it cures the disease

So, you can take this advice

Or continue to do as you please

We must learn to let go of the past

Stop concerning ourselves with the upcoming years

Learn to live in the moment

We will conquer most all of our irrational fears

We have to become aware of our emotions

Mindfulness resolves most of life's pains

Control the controllable

This type of liberation is insane

We now begin to live life with intention

We create more quality time

We realize, we can only do what we can do

Peace becomes our new way of life

The battle has been won

Ironically, the war was all in our mind

Personal awareness

Exposes the true enemy for mankind

So, take a deep breath

Listen to the wind blowing through the trees

Right now, this moment

It's all we have, and all we really need

 

Change

 "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." - Leo Tolstoy

While not everyone aspires to change the world, many of us try to change others. We often attempt to mold our spouses, friends, or family members. Yet, the challenge of changing ourselves remains a complex endeavor.

There are three primary reasons we avoid personal change:

1. Belief: We often lack faith in our ability to change. Repeated failures reinforce this disbelief. It's not a lack of discipline that holds us back, but flawed methods. Take weight loss, for example. We reduce calories or cut out entire food groups, only to revert back after a few weeks. These restrictive diets set us up for failure. The issue lies with the program, not with us. True self-belief is built through perseverance and learning from past failures. Each setback provides valuable insights, transforming losses into growth opportunities.

2. Acknowledgment: Change begins with recognizing there’s a problem. Many people get stuck in denial. Addressing an issue threatens their identity, making acknowledgment difficult. For instance, anxiety can become a defining trait, or humor a shield against inner pain. Admitting there's an issue means taking responsibility, moving from victimhood to ownership. This is a crucial step toward genuine change.

3. Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when our beliefs and actions are inconsistent. It explains why we resist changing our thinking even when faced with new, conflicting information. To ease this discomfort, we might ignore the source or rationalize our behavior instead of adjusting our beliefs. Overcoming cognitive dissonance involves confronting these inconsistencies and adapting our mindset or actions to resolve the conflict.

Change is painful, but so is remaining stagnant.

Tolstoy’s point isn’t that we all aim to change the world, but that we desire the world to change around us. However, the only true change we can effect is within ourselves, and this personal transformation is what ultimately changes the world.

“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi

The Internal Dialogue

 The Internal dialogue

The internal dialogue of guilt and regret can grow like weeds in a well landscaped yard if not managed. This dialogue is largely a product of a repetitive loop of blame and coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s.

The first step to regaining control is to become aware of this repetitive internal dialogue. The second step is to have a preemptive plan ready to address the dialogue when you recognize it. Don't beat yourself up, just Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Non-identify (this is known as the RAIN method). This method allows us to methodically reason our way out of these cognitive distortions.

Remember - Nothing changes if nothing changes. Self-awareness is a crucial step in changing behavior. 

“If you don't like the crop, don't sow the seed”

If you don't like the thoughts, let's investigate the perspective that's created the thoughts. Lets manage the cognitive weeds so we can have a new perspective in 2021! 

Order and Chaos

 If you can face what you're afraid of 

You can find what you need

Cause in the middle of order and chaos

Lies your destiny 

KH

Become a Stoic

A true Stoic begins with Amour fati - Love everything that happens.

Accept rather than fight every little thing that happens. You don’t decide everything that happens to you, in fact, you control very little. Imagine that everything that happens happens specifically for you.

Wish for situations to happen as they do and your life will go smoothly. This mind set is of great help in the unpredictable modern world because it helps to stay calm in difficult situations, direct our thoughts, and choose the best (re)actions. It offers many useful strategies.

“We can either get bitter or better”

1. Use logic and reason.  (First step is to calm the fight or flight mechanism)

- STOP (stop – take 3 deep breaths – observe the behavior – proceed with kindness)

- Count to 10 backwards (Deep breaths)

These techniques allow us to calm the amygdala (danger alert) so that the perceived information can be fully processed by the neo cortex (logic and reason).

What separate human beings from animals are our mental and social abilities (a mature frontal lobe). We have potential to apply reason to all our actions. We are able to think about our preferred action before we act. Awareness allows us to live in agreement with our nature by applying reason to our actions.

2. Live by virtue – Virtue is the highest of all goods. No matter what happens to us, we can always try to apply reason and choose to live in accord with virtue.  Awareness provides us the opportunity to always try to do the right thing, it’s all that we control.

3. Acceptance - Focus on what you can control, accept what you can’t. All we control is our mind and the actions we choose to take. We can try our best, and accept all that happens because we don’t control it. If we get disturbed by what we don’t control, we become helpless victims. Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change.  Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.
"Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy." - Marcus Aurelius,

5. Take action - The truly Awoke person actually lives by the ideas; he is a warrior of the mind. Today, many people learn and acquire knowledge only to store it in their mind. They forget the most important part: to live and practice the ideas.

6. Practice misfortune - This is a gem. Imagine potentially “bad” scenarios in advance and they won’t catch you by surprise, and you’ll be able to face them calmly and act according to virtue. Visualize “bad” before, and you’ll be able to take it much more calmly.

7. Stockdale paradox - You only control your actions but not the outcome. You can give your best but maybe it won’t bring the results you wanted. Choose to do your very best to succeed and simultaneously know and accept that the ultimate outcome is beyond your direct control.
“You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be” - James Stockdale

8. Obstacles equal opportunities - How you perceive things is highly important. Everything that happens can be looked at as an opportunity. Even if it doesn’t go as you wish, you can always see “it” as a chance to practice virtue.

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

The Obstacle is the Way – “The impediment to action advances action; what stands in the way becomes the way” – Marcus Aurelius

9. Mindful - You must bring your full awareness in your actions. Otherwise you act out of emotions instead of your rational decisions. Observe yourself and go through your daily actions before you go to bed so that you will make better decisions the next day.

When one becomes aware, you can often get misperceived being unemotional because you try not to act out of your emotions and you want to be indifferent to things you don’t control. This is a classic misconception. You feel emotions just like everybody else, but you are not enslaved by them.  You don’t get overwhelmed by emotions and you act in a rational manner despite your emotions.
It’s not about not having emotions, it’s about the domestication of one’s emotions.

By using the methods listed above we do our best to direct every action for the common welfare of everyone.

Ultimate beauty lies in your character. It’s what you do and who you are that matter most.

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are”
- John Wooden

H.O.P.E.

Recently a client asked me what I thought about using the mantra H.O.P.E. for the new year.

Having Only Positive Expectations

HOPE is a positive acronym about creating an attitude that is less negative (perhaps). Most times our intentions are good (Having HOPE); however, we all know about good intentions. I do have some concerns that requires us to ask a couple questions before we embark on this new mantra;

- What happens when “positive expectations” are not positive?

- What happens when “our expectations” do not unfold?

To only have positive expectations would require us to force our emotions to be out of alignment with reality.  (Example - I’m going to have positive emotions when people don’t do what they said they are going to do)

I’m forcing myself to think positive about the negative feelings I’m experiencing in this moment.  This forced emotional response will only last for so long, then we are right back to the negative feelings we had prior to the decision to have “only positive expectations”.

There is an ancient proverb that says, “The true secret to happiness is to lower our expectations”.

At first glance this may sound negative, but if you think about it, this is probably the best way to safe guard ourselves against having a negative attitude toward people and society in general.  If you’re like me, I have very high expectations for myself, which led me to project my expectations onto others.  After years of frustration I adopted “lowered expectations” as my mantra.  As I’ve done this, a whole new world has opened up for me in the fact that I rarely get angry or disappointed with people.

I either take in, or let go, of whatever life brings to me – I keep my personal expectations high, but I don’t project my expectations on to others.

In my world, if you are a good person and true to your word, I take you in – if you show me otherwise, I let you go. No hard feelings.

There’s a saying “believe people when they show you who they are the first time”. If someone is frustrating us it is primarily because our expectations are irrational. (Example: If someone didn’t show up for our meeting the first or second time - what makes you think the third time will be different? When they show you who they are, believe them. Take them in as a new friend or wish them well.

If people are not living up to our expectation we have three choices:

1. Change them. (you can’t change anyone – only yourself)

2. Accept them. (lower your expectations)

3. Leave them. (try to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life)

In order to have a healthy mind, our emotions should always be congruent with reality.  If someone isn’t living up to our expectation, change your expectations – or leave.  It’s a lot healthier than expecting them to change.

I have no expectations, other than the self-imposed expectations of being the best that I can truly be. I can only control me.

“Everything is as it should be”

Awake - Radical Acceptance

Awake

Start the New Year off with Radical Acceptance.

Radical acceptance is simply acknowledging reality.  You are acknowledging what happened or what’s currently happening - because fighting reality only intensifies our emotional reaction.

We might fight reality by judging a situation. An example, we might say “It should or shouldn’t be this way,” “That’s not fair!” or “Why me?!”

Fighting reality only intensifies suffering. Gandhi once said, “Pain is inevitable in life, suffering is optional”. Suffering is a product of refuse to accept the pain in our lives, which creates an "extreme fixation of self".

The following comments are valuable reminders to help us to radically accept our current situation.

Say to yourself:

“Right here is where I’m supposed to be”

“Where I am right now is the result of a million other decisions”

“Thinking of the past just robs me of the present”

“What I do in this moment is all that I have control over”

“Every event of my life has brought me to now”

“The present moment is perfect even if I don’t like it”

Happy New Year!