H.O.P.E.

Recently a client asked me what I thought about using the mantra H.O.P.E. for the new year.

Having Only Positive Expectations

HOPE is a positive acronym about creating an attitude that is less negative (perhaps). Most times our intentions are good (Having HOPE); however, we all know about good intentions. I do have some concerns that requires us to ask a couple questions before we embark on this new mantra;

- What happens when “positive expectations” are not positive?

- What happens when “our expectations” do not unfold?

To only have positive expectations would require us to force our emotions to be out of alignment with reality.  (Example - I’m going to have positive emotions when people don’t do what they said they are going to do)

I’m forcing myself to think positive about the negative feelings I’m experiencing in this moment.  This forced emotional response will only last for so long, then we are right back to the negative feelings we had prior to the decision to have “only positive expectations”.

There is an ancient proverb that says, “The true secret to happiness is to lower our expectations”.

At first glance this may sound negative, but if you think about it, this is probably the best way to safe guard ourselves against having a negative attitude toward people and society in general.  If you’re like me, I have very high expectations for myself, which led me to project my expectations onto others.  After years of frustration I adopted “lowered expectations” as my mantra.  As I’ve done this, a whole new world has opened up for me in the fact that I rarely get angry or disappointed with people.

I either take in, or let go, of whatever life brings to me – I keep my personal expectations high, but I don’t project my expectations on to others.

In my world, if you are a good person and true to your word, I take you in – if you show me otherwise, I let you go. No hard feelings.

There’s a saying “believe people when they show you who they are the first time”. If someone is frustrating us it is primarily because our expectations are irrational. (Example: If someone didn’t show up for our meeting the first or second time - what makes you think the third time will be different? When they show you who they are, believe them. Take them in as a new friend or wish them well.

If people are not living up to our expectation we have three choices:

1. Change them. (you can’t change anyone – only yourself)

2. Accept them. (lower your expectations)

3. Leave them. (try to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life)

In order to have a healthy mind, our emotions should always be congruent with reality.  If someone isn’t living up to our expectation, change your expectations – or leave.  It’s a lot healthier than expecting them to change.

I have no expectations, other than the self-imposed expectations of being the best that I can truly be. I can only control me.

“Everything is as it should be”

Awake - Radical Acceptance

Awake

Start the New Year off with Radical Acceptance.

Radical acceptance is simply acknowledging reality.  You are acknowledging what happened or what’s currently happening - because fighting reality only intensifies our emotional reaction.

We might fight reality by judging a situation. An example, we might say “It should or shouldn’t be this way,” “That’s not fair!” or “Why me?!”

Fighting reality only intensifies suffering. Gandhi once said, “Pain is inevitable in life, suffering is optional”. Suffering is a product of refuse to accept the pain in our lives, which creates an "extreme fixation of self".

The following comments are valuable reminders to help us to radically accept our current situation.

Say to yourself:

“Right here is where I’m supposed to be”

“Where I am right now is the result of a million other decisions”

“Thinking of the past just robs me of the present”

“What I do in this moment is all that I have control over”

“Every event of my life has brought me to now”

“The present moment is perfect even if I don’t like it”

Happy New Year!

Re-framing Negative Thinking

“The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven” - John Milton

What Is Cognitive Re-framing?

Re-framing is a way of changing the way you look at something and, thus, changing your experience of it. (Our words are important) 

How Re-framing Affects Stress

Using re-framing techniques can actually change your physical responses to stress because your body's stress response is triggered by perceived stress, more often than actual events.
If you perceive that you are threatened — physically or psychologically — by a situation, your fight-or-flight response will kick in.


How Re-framing Works

Using re-framing techniques can be simple and easy, especially with practice. To re-frame s to clarify and evaluate our thoughts.

Learn About Thinking Patterns:

The first step in re-framing is to educate yourself about some of these negative thinking patterns that may exacerbate your stress levels. See these common cognitive distortions to see which ones, if any, may come into play in your life.  Educating yourself about thinking patterns and how they affect people is important for laying the groundwork for understanding and change.

Notice Your Thoughts: 

“I am not my thoughts; I am the observer of my thoughts” - Tolle

The next step is to catch yourself when you're slipping into overly negative and stress-inducing patterns of thinking. Being aware of them is an important part of challenging and ultimately changing them. One thing you can do is just become more mindful of your thoughts, as though you're an observer. When you catch negative thinking styles, just note them at first. If you want, you can even keep a journal and start recording (I like to write poems) what's happening in your life and your thoughts surrounding these events, and then examine these thoughts through your new 'lens' to get more practice in catching these thoughts. Another helpful practice is meditation, where you learn to quiet your mind and examine your thoughts. Once you become more of an observer, it's easier to notice your thoughts rather than remaining caught up in them.

Challenge Your Thoughts:

As you notice your negative thoughts, an effective part of re-framing involves examining the truth and accuracy (or lack thereof) of these thoughts. Are the things you're telling yourself even true? Also, what are some other ways to interpret the same set of events? Which ways of seeing things serve you better? Instead of seeing things the way you always have, challenge every negative thought, and see if you can adopt thoughts that fit your situation but reflect a more positive outlook.

That's the gist of re-framing, and you can do it as often as you'd like. Most people are surprised at what a big impact re-framing can have on their experience of stress—changing the way you look at your life can truly change your life.


Become a Yes-sayer

“I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: someday I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

The Two Wolves

“Reason is a slave to our passions” David Hume

David Hume was a Scottish philosopher who is best known today for his worldwide popular theory in skepticism and naturalism.

Hume proposed that nothing could be known without perception. (Perception is an accumulation of our experiences via our senses; sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch).

Our perception is the impetus for our actions. We learn from past experiences that convert later in our reasons to choose or not to choose particular actions. Therefore, reasons are not the first line of understanding, but it’s our instincts (Our emotions).

Our thoughts vary substantially - from contentment and anxiety, happiness and anger, satisfaction and resentment, to joy and jealously. This juxtaposition of thoughts is the burden that a conscious creature will have to navigate throughout his life.

This neurological battle of emotional desires and rational thinking is best characterized in the Indian legend of the “Two Wolves”. This metaphorical story talks about one of the most important battles of our life – the one between our good and bad thoughts.

The story:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

So let me bring this back to the original point of my blog, “It’s not an eating problem”

Emotions can lead to disturbing thoughts. These thoughts, in turn, create more emotions which create more thoughts – and on and on…

The thoughts (the problem) are followed by a behavior. This behavior (overeating, smoking, drinking, gambling, etc.) is what we mistake as the problem, when in fact it’s just the symptom of the problem.

It’s a disruptive loop of mistaken issues.

As it turns out, “It’s not what we’re eating; it’s what eating us”.

The bad wolf in this story is a metaphor for the limbic system. It supports a variety of functions including emotion, behavior, motivation, and long-term memory. Emotional life is largely housed in the limbic system.

The good wolf in this story is the Neocortex. This is the executive director of our behavior.

If impulses dominate our life, it means the bad wolf is in control. One the other hand, if we have the ability to delay immediate gratification, the good wolf is directing the urges of the limbic desires.

One of the most effective ways to deal with the bad wolf’s emotional thoughts is by taking a deep breath and then disputing them.

Before following the impulse, hold your own thought pattern under scrutiny and ask yourself:

- Is this thought true and accurate? Build your case with real-world evidence: write down all proof for your beliefs in one column and the counter-examples in the other.

- If you do find support for your beliefs, is that evidence accurate or just another symptom of your distorted thinking?

- Is this thought helpful in the long run or just distressing?

- What’s the worst thing that can happen? On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely is it that this will actually happen?

- What would you tell your best friend if they had these negative thoughts?

- In which ways would your life change if you stopped believing your negative thoughts?

This method will create greater peace, confidence and a more positive outlook by learning how to clarify and evaluate our thoughts. After all, this battle can be won because we have the ability to become more aware of the choices we make and the payoffs we receive.

We do what we do because we get something from it.

There is a lot we can learn from this Chinese proverb:

- Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.

- Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

- Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

- Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

- Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.


The next topic will focus on the cognitive dilemma concerning the fight or flight mechanism in modern times.

This issue is called the Amygdala Hi-jacking.

The Aspiration Gap

“I do not understand why I do what I do; for what I want to do I don’t do, but what I hate I do”   – Romans 7:15

What’s your aspiration? Before you answer this, ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I doing right now? (Write it down)  Nutritionally, exercise, reading, watching, my job, after work hours, and weekends.

2. What type of life would I like to have, and how far apart are the above interests from the life I say I want?

This is called the aspiration gap – this is the distance between what I’m currently doing and where I want to be? Depending on the distance, this issue can be quite troubling for some people causing aspiration paralysis. The wider the gap, the more stress and anxiety.
Within the aspirational gap lies a psychological conundrum called cognitive dissonance.

"Cognitive dissonance is labeled as, “the stress and anxiety that results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible attitudes, desires, and beliefs” –Dictionary.com

The Aspiration Gap is that space between the changes I am now able to make and those that I know I need to make. I have a paradoxical relationship with my Aspiration Gap; on one hand, I want to close it, bringing my practices closer to my knowledge of where they need to be; on the other hand, I need to keep aspiring to more realistically sustainable changes, while continually stretching and extending my aspirations.

There is a fine balancing act of keeping my aspirations far enough from my current practices to keep me from becoming too comfortable, but close enough so that I don’t become overly discouraged. I also have to stay keenly aware of the fact that it’s the journey toward my aspiration, not the aspiration itself - which is the reward. If we only focus on the aspiration, we risk losing the message of what it means to aspire. The reality is, aspiring is a process, not a destination. This process can be used in all of our desired transitions to develop workable goals and to close the aspiration gap in all areas of our lives.

The concept of The Aspiration Gap also highlights two connected, though in some ways distinct areas where the place I am and the place I want to need to operate. While it is a great challenge to change our energy practices both individually and as a community, it is also crucial that we change our beliefs - because we don’t do what we know; we do what we believe.

While we aspire to live a better quality of life, the belief that it’s possible can also make a big difference.

A well lived life is the manifestation of aspiration, perspiration, and inspiration.

Become the Observer

“Personal awareness precedes personal transformation”

If you’re tired of people, look no further than yourself.

That’s right – take a look at you.

There’s only one person you can change, and that’s you!

Self-awareness is having the ability to step back and see yourself from a distance, to analyze your internal dialogue, and to examine your agendas and expectations.

The most important part (and the hardest part) is to observe all these things from a nonjudgmental perspective. When it comes to personal perspectives we are all guilty of cognitive biases and blind spots that work against our quest for self-knowledge.

Follow these steps:

- Awareness of the internal dialogue

- Clarify and evaluate the thoughts (don't judge)

- Acceptance (change what you can change - let go of what you cannot)


“Know thy self; the unexamined life is not worth living” - Socrates

Mastery of Self

The anxious sense of self
Forged in a flawed reality
The blind internal drives
Percolating in the cortex just beneath

Ubiquitous is the struggle
Antiquities impressions preside
Reptilian hardwired features
Dominance – an extreme will to survive

Anxiety, fear, and anger
Emotions hard to please
Audacious insatiable appetites
Malignant cancerous disease

The struggle - the fight
A metaphorical demonic hold
We fall - dropping to our knees
Surrendering to our insufferable lonely souls

A metamorphosis occurs
Emerging - as if from a really bad dream
Awareness to the Truth
Nothing - is as it seems

We’re not worthless and dirty
Decrepit and weak
We’re a conscious creature of habit
That’s what makes us special and unique

The subconscious desires are what move us
They indiscriminately influence our lives
But consumed in abundance
Tragically – will lead to our demise

So be ravenous in moderation
Temper - don’t deny
Learn to live in the present moment
Be real – not a fictitious virtuous disguise

Awareness of our human nature
Acceptance – the glory; the triumph of our past
Appreciation for this opportunity
Autonomy - liberation manifest at last

The Mastery of Self
Striving to fulfill all that be one can be
Transcending all self-expectations
Profound – a unique master in modernity 

CBT Disputing Negative Thoughts

If you find that you are feeling angry, depressed, upset, or anxious, take this as a clue to examine your thinking. Make a habit of using your negative feelings as a cue to begin the Disputing Negative Thoughts practice.
Reality Testing

-What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
-Are my thoughts factual, or are they just my interpretations?
-Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
-How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?

If your thought is a core belief, write it out and ask yourself, “Is this thought 100% true ALL of the time?”. Begin creating a list of any and all instances you find that are not true.
Look for Alternate Explanations

-Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
-What else could this mean?
-If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?

Put Things in Perspective
When you are feeling upset, you are likely to think about things in a way that is much more extreme than the actual situation. This can make the negative feelings a lot worse. Putting things in perspective, can help you to reduce this extreme self-talk.

-Is this situation as bad as I am making out to be?
-What is the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it?
-What is the best thing that could happen?
-What is most likely to happen?
-Is there anything good about this situation?
-Will this matter in five years’ time?

Use Goal-directed Thinking – Recognizing that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective.

-Is thinking this way helping me to feel good or to achieve my goals?
-What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
-Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?

Do a cost-benefit analysis of believing your thought. Ask yourself, “How will it help me to believe this thought?” and “How does it hurt me to believe this thought?”. Write down your answers and decide if believing this thought is more harmful than good. If so practice choosing to let it go, or opening to the possibility that your thought is not true.
History
This technique is one of the core practices of cognitive therapy. This direction in therapy was mainly pioneered by Aaron Beck.

Journal to Self-Awareness

Journaling is the first step in self-awareness. A thought is fleeting; a paragraph is reflective.
Let’s start this year off with a different approach. Rather than looking externally for “fixes”, let’s look internally for “resolutions”.

There are many ways to self-reflect, but keeping a journal and reading it out loud is one of the best ways to gain insight to your thoughts which create your universe.

Epictetus said, “Write them, read them aloud, and talk to yourself and others about them.”

Journaling is important because it creates a space amid the relentless mind chatter from which to pause, collect, organize and untangle. Journaling enables us to set things down, sort through them, unpack them, understand them and heal them. I believe that keeping a journal is one of the healthiest things that we can do, fundamental to emotional well-being and on a par with regular exercise, a healthy diet, and plenty of sleep.

I’ve included several Stoic thoughts that can serve as a reminder as well as providing a clearer view regarding our perspectives.

As Marcus Aurelius’ said, “The quality of your life will be determined by the quality of your thoughts”

Now put your thoughts down on paper!

Clarity — Remember, the most important task is to separate the things that are in your control from those that are not in your control. This allows us to get real clarity about what to focus on in life.
 “It’s not activity that disrupts people, but false conceptions of things that drive them mad.” Seneca

Equanimity — (Mental calmness) Passions are the source of suffering. “A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent,” Marcus Aurelius reminded himself, “and such a person has strength, courage and endurance—unlike the angry and the complaining.” Calmness is strength.

Awareness — Accurate self-assessment is essential. Know thyself, was the dictum from the Oracle at Delphi. Knowing your strengths is just as important as knowledge of your weakness, and ignorance of either is ego.
“Nothing is more hostile to a firm grasp on knowledge than self-deception.” Zeno

Unbiased Thought —command to himself. Our life is colored by our thoughts, and so to be driven by this bias or that bias—this delusion or that false impression—is to send your whole existence off-kilter.
“Objective judgement, now at this very moment,” -Marcus Aurelius

Right Action — It’s not just about clear thoughts, but clear thoughts that lead to clear and right action.
“First, tell yourself what kind of person you want to be; then do what you have to do.”-Epictetus
“Don’t talk about what a good man is like. Be one.” -Marcus Aurelius

Problem Solving — Are you vexed by daily obstacles or do you throw yourself into solving them? “This is what we’re here for,” Seneca said. No one said life was easy. No one said it would be fair. Let’s make progress where we can.

Duty — “Whatever anyone does or says,” “I’m bound to the good...Whatever anyone does or says, I must be what I am and show my true colors.” -Marcus Aurelius
He was talking about duty. Duty to his country, to his family, to humankind, to his talents, to the philosophy he had learned.  (Don’t preach your philosophy; embody it!)

Pragmatism — If the food is bitter, toss it out. If there are brambles in the path, go around. Don’t expect perfection. Be ready to be flexible and creative. Life demands it.

Resiliency — Do you want to count on good luck (passive) or be prepared for anything that happens (prepared)? “Let come what may” because we have cultivated inner-strength and resilience.

Kindness — Be hard on yourself, and understanding of others. See every person you meet, as an opportunity for kindness and compassion. Nothing can stop you from being virtuous, from being good. That’s on you.

Amor Fati — Don’t just accept what happens, love it! Because it’s for the best. Because you will make it for the best. Embrace everything with a smile. Every obstacle provides a path for growth…for adaptation

Memento Mori — We’re strong but we’re not invincible. We were born mortal and nothing can change that.

Seneca said, “prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life.” Let us put nothing off, let us live each moment fully.

The Diet ‘khor ba (Circling)

“I yearn to be free of pain, but rush straight to it; I long for happiness, but foolishly crush it like an enemy” -Shantideva

‘khor ba, in Tibetan means circling, This “circling” is an endless round of compulsive flight and fixation. We feel compelled to struggle ahead completely blinded by the emotional highs that bring us right back to where we first began.


Optimism- This time is different!!!

Excitement- This is new!!!

Thrill- I’m seeing changes!!!!!

Cockiness- Haters gonna hate!!!!

Euphoria- Look at me now!!!!!

Anxiety- How can I keep this up?

Denial- This can’t be happening?

Fear- What will they think?

Desperation- What will I do?

Panic- No!!!!

Capitulation- I quit

Despondency- There’s absolutely no hope

Depression- There’s nothing left

Hope relief- This sounds interesting?

Optimism- This time is different!!!


“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”
-C.S. Lewis

IT’S NOT THE FOOD!

Personal awareness precedes personal transformation

Tips:

Paradigm Shift - A fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions

The reason we don’t change for long is because we have a set of beliefs that keep us who we are, not who we want to be

Things don’t change…we change


Traditional Method (externals)

What?

What can I do to lose weight?

How?

I’m going to restrict my food, and exercise more

Why?

I want to look better


Transformation Method (internals)

What?

What can I do to get what I want out of life?

How?

Personal awareness of thoughts

-Internals are primary (self-awareness)

- External are secondary (diets, exercise)

Why?

Because I’m important and I want to fully experience all of what life has to give.

“The day you decide you are more interested in being aware of your thoughts than you are in the thoughts themselves - that is the day you will find your way out” - Michael Singer